New Project

I'm fortunate to have found a wonderfully fun and supportive group of women who had babies in August of 2010 (or at least we were all due with babies in August - some came early, some came on time, some came late).  From all over the country, we've shared a number of challenges and celebrations; we've commiserated and vented all over the place.

One sub-project is a 365 day challenge, and I am taking part.  Starting January 1st, I will be taking one picture a day for 365 days - there will be a variety of themes along the way, but I'm hoping to keep to it.  If you'd like to check it out, the link is: http://michal365.blogspot.com.  Enjoy!

Four Month Stats

I realized that I never updated M's four month stats... they are:

Height: 26" (20 3/4" at birth) - 97th percentile!

Weight: 15 lbs., 1 oz. (8 lbs 6 oz. at birth) - 75-90 percentile - not sure what THAT means

Head Circumference: 16.5" (14 1/4" at birth) - 75th percentile

I'm not convinced she really weighs 15 pounds - not that I think the scale at the doctors' office was wrong, but she's been sick lately and not eating as much.  I bet we'll have an above average gain in two months.  We also did not get our four month shots, as it turns out she has an ear infection.  We will go back in two weeks for an ear check and all of our shots.  Poor kid - she screamed more when the doctor was dealing with her ears (read: digging out wax so she could see inside) than when she got her shots at two months.  

As of four months, M is regularly smiling for J and me, and occasionally gifts a smile to someone other than us.  Sure fire tactics for getting a smile: visiting the baby in the mirror usually gets at least one smile per visit, stretching her arms and legs for her, going in to see her first thing in the morning - HUGE smiles, and one that J discovered - dancing - the kid likes moving to music.

She also seems to want to skip some milestones.  Never one for loving her tummy time, she has skipped over the easier roll for now - from tummy to back - in favor of trying to figure out how to roll from back to tummy, which apparently is the more difficult one.  She's gotten 95% of the way there, just needs to figure out what the heck to do with her arms, which get stuck under her body.  She also wants to stand up all. the.  time.  She's cool with supported sitting, but she just loves standing.  Holding onto a finger or two, she can balance herself pretty well  no problem.  Crazy kid.

We're still only giving her bottles, although her pediatrician has given us the go ahead to start solids.  In the next few weeks we probably will start slowly, although I'm in no rush.  She's obviously growing quite fine and seems satisfied with a normal (if not slightly below average) amount of milk.

Recipe: Individual Meatloaves

I haven't tried many meatloaf recipes (mostly because so many incorporate dairy ingredients, which doesn't mesh with the whole kosher no-meat-with-dairy rule), but this is absolutely delicious. As many of my favorite recipes do, this one comes from Ina Garten.

Individual Meat Loaves

Ingredients

• 1 tablespoon good olive oil
• 3 cups chopped yellow onions (3 onions)
• 1 teaspoon chopped fresh thyme leaves
• 2 teaspoons kosher salt
• 1 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper
• 3 tablespoons Worcestershire sauce
• 1/3 cup canned chicken stock or broth
• 1 tablespoon tomato paste
• 2 1/2 pounds ground chuck (81 percent lean)
• 1/2 cup plain dry bread crumbs (recommended: Progresso)
• 2 extra-large eggs, beaten
• 1/2 cup ketchup (recommended: Heinz)

Directions

1. Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F.
2. Heat the olive oil in a medium saute pan. Add the onions, thyme, salt, and pepper and cook over medium-low heat, stirring occasionally, for 8 to 10 minutes, until the onions are translucent but not brown. Off the heat, add the Worcestershire sauce, chicken stock, and tomato paste. Allow to cool slightly.
3. In a large bowl, combine the ground chuck, onion mixture, bread crumbs, and eggs, and mix lightly with a fork. Don't mash or the meatloaf will be dense.
4. Divide the mixture into 6 (10 to 11-ounce) portions and shape each portion into a small loaf on asheet pan. Spread about a tablespoon of ketchup on the top of each portion.
5. Bake for 40 to 45 minutes, until the internal temperature is 155 to 160 degrees F and the meat loaves are cooked through. Serve hot.

Freezer option:
Prepare through step 4. Wrap each loaf in plastic loaf, place in a freezer bag. To cook - let each loaf defrost in the refrigerator, then finish step 5.

Back to Normal

I'd really like to get there. But I'm not there yet. I only hope it won't be long yet.

The first few weeks after M was born, I thought I was incredibly lucky. Aside from the normal baby blues, I was feeling okay. With a history of depression, I knew I was at a higher risk for PPD, but it seemed as if I'd dodged a bullet.  Sure, there was a bit of transition going on, and we were learning from each other how to become this new family, but in general, I felt fine. I think I even took joy in moments with her and came to appreciate the four weeks J was able to take and be with us.

I don't remember an exact moment when I realized it wasn't okay. I'm not sure if the PPD was triggered by something or if the family drama or major work issues just coincided by chance, but things were not good. I am not even sure I can explain the feelings - many of them were just too deep, dark, and horrible to even talk about without feeling like I am giving in to melodrama. And it wasn't all bad. There were moments and stretches of time during which it seemed, upon reflection, that the bad stuff wasn't nearly as bad as it felt or as frequent as it seemed. But it was. I've always had a difficult time seeing things clearly, but J is always there to serve in part as a mirror for myself. He has been a saint through all of it, and even though I'm sure it was frustrating being with this shadow of a person, he never gave up on me (even if he did throw his hands up in frustration at times).

I finally got to a point where I was able to acknowledge that things were just wrong. To top it off, it was on a day where I was going to try to meet up with some friends, but in the end, I needed to just take care of myself, even if I felt guilty for flaking out on them yet again. J met me at the doctor's office, and I started the process.

I've now been on meds for 6 weeks, had the dosage increased once, and I feel like I'm just now starting to see a slight difference. Slight = fewer absolutely horrible days. This weekend's been tough. M's been sick, and that has just destroyed me. Today started out okay, but by mid-afternoon, I just felt dragged down by it again. I've been thinking about writing this blog post for a few days today, mostly to just get some of the feelings out on "paper." I was hoping it would be cathartic, and I guess maybe it has been. Very few people know about all of this, and I feel horrible that some of them have born the brunt of my misery, but their reassurances have been helpful.

Just going to continue to take it a day at a time and try to find joy in those baby smiles.

Four Months!

M hit the four month mark this week, one day before the anniversary of finding out we were pregnant. What an amazing year it has been. We go for our four month check-up and shots on Tuesday, so I'll report back with stats then.

In the meantime, in four months I have learned...

four months do pass in the blink of an eye

baby smiles first thing in the morning are magical

swaddling is a lifesaver

sleeping through the night doesn't count if YOU go to bed around 1am

some babies like to skip milestones

apparently standing is tons of fun

you can make a competitive sport out of finding ways to get formula for free

even though we had our issues, I so miss nursing M

Three Month Check-in and D Day

A couple of weeks late for the three month check in, but since we didn't have a 3 month doctor's appointment, it's all a bit of an approximation anyways. Somewhere around her official 3 month "birthday" (what do you call that, anyway?), she was just about 14 1/2 pounds. Not too shabby, although she's starting to outgrow her clothes in leaps and bounds. Okay, maybe not leaps, per se, but she's just about midway through her Carter's 6 month clothing (which is really 3-6 months, I think). We ended up hitting the outlets this past Saturday (yes, the weekend after Thanksgiving and Black Friday - you'd think we were nuts, but it was a ghost town) and picked up some decent deals on 9 month clothing. We have TONS of the 6 month-ish stuff, so it might be worth it to not go overboard with the clothes.

The big new thing (aside from the smiles, the chatting, the giggling and funny throat-clearing "laughs"), is that tomorrow is D Day... D... for day care. We've been fortunate that I have been able to take her with me to work since I went back "part time" (it was never fully part-time) two months after birth. While some of my coworkers think she should continue to come with me every day, it's probably not a bad idea, especially for my productivity, that she start spending time with other people during the day - especially other kids. So, two days a week she'll be staying with a wonderful mom who runs an eco-friendly day care near our home. I've managed to NOT think about today for a while, but that had to run its course, and so tonight I've started to get a little sad thinking about her not coming with me to work. Of course, I probably won't be so productive at work tomorrow, but I know it'll get easier over time.

And the day care lady is totally up for the cloth diapers. So awesome. I'll probably post about CDs soon - I've had a decent number of people ask me about them, so I figure I'll just put my thoughts down on e-"paper." Needless to say - I've drunk the Kool-Aid.