Back to Normal

I'd really like to get there. But I'm not there yet. I only hope it won't be long yet.

The first few weeks after M was born, I thought I was incredibly lucky. Aside from the normal baby blues, I was feeling okay. With a history of depression, I knew I was at a higher risk for PPD, but it seemed as if I'd dodged a bullet.  Sure, there was a bit of transition going on, and we were learning from each other how to become this new family, but in general, I felt fine. I think I even took joy in moments with her and came to appreciate the four weeks J was able to take and be with us.

I don't remember an exact moment when I realized it wasn't okay. I'm not sure if the PPD was triggered by something or if the family drama or major work issues just coincided by chance, but things were not good. I am not even sure I can explain the feelings - many of them were just too deep, dark, and horrible to even talk about without feeling like I am giving in to melodrama. And it wasn't all bad. There were moments and stretches of time during which it seemed, upon reflection, that the bad stuff wasn't nearly as bad as it felt or as frequent as it seemed. But it was. I've always had a difficult time seeing things clearly, but J is always there to serve in part as a mirror for myself. He has been a saint through all of it, and even though I'm sure it was frustrating being with this shadow of a person, he never gave up on me (even if he did throw his hands up in frustration at times).

I finally got to a point where I was able to acknowledge that things were just wrong. To top it off, it was on a day where I was going to try to meet up with some friends, but in the end, I needed to just take care of myself, even if I felt guilty for flaking out on them yet again. J met me at the doctor's office, and I started the process.

I've now been on meds for 6 weeks, had the dosage increased once, and I feel like I'm just now starting to see a slight difference. Slight = fewer absolutely horrible days. This weekend's been tough. M's been sick, and that has just destroyed me. Today started out okay, but by mid-afternoon, I just felt dragged down by it again. I've been thinking about writing this blog post for a few days today, mostly to just get some of the feelings out on "paper." I was hoping it would be cathartic, and I guess maybe it has been. Very few people know about all of this, and I feel horrible that some of them have born the brunt of my misery, but their reassurances have been helpful.

Just going to continue to take it a day at a time and try to find joy in those baby smiles.

Four Months!

M hit the four month mark this week, one day before the anniversary of finding out we were pregnant. What an amazing year it has been. We go for our four month check-up and shots on Tuesday, so I'll report back with stats then.

In the meantime, in four months I have learned...

four months do pass in the blink of an eye

baby smiles first thing in the morning are magical

swaddling is a lifesaver

sleeping through the night doesn't count if YOU go to bed around 1am

some babies like to skip milestones

apparently standing is tons of fun

you can make a competitive sport out of finding ways to get formula for free

even though we had our issues, I so miss nursing M

Three Month Check-in and D Day

A couple of weeks late for the three month check in, but since we didn't have a 3 month doctor's appointment, it's all a bit of an approximation anyways. Somewhere around her official 3 month "birthday" (what do you call that, anyway?), she was just about 14 1/2 pounds. Not too shabby, although she's starting to outgrow her clothes in leaps and bounds. Okay, maybe not leaps, per se, but she's just about midway through her Carter's 6 month clothing (which is really 3-6 months, I think). We ended up hitting the outlets this past Saturday (yes, the weekend after Thanksgiving and Black Friday - you'd think we were nuts, but it was a ghost town) and picked up some decent deals on 9 month clothing. We have TONS of the 6 month-ish stuff, so it might be worth it to not go overboard with the clothes.

The big new thing (aside from the smiles, the chatting, the giggling and funny throat-clearing "laughs"), is that tomorrow is D Day... D... for day care. We've been fortunate that I have been able to take her with me to work since I went back "part time" (it was never fully part-time) two months after birth. While some of my coworkers think she should continue to come with me every day, it's probably not a bad idea, especially for my productivity, that she start spending time with other people during the day - especially other kids. So, two days a week she'll be staying with a wonderful mom who runs an eco-friendly day care near our home. I've managed to NOT think about today for a while, but that had to run its course, and so tonight I've started to get a little sad thinking about her not coming with me to work. Of course, I probably won't be so productive at work tomorrow, but I know it'll get easier over time.

And the day care lady is totally up for the cloth diapers. So awesome. I'll probably post about CDs soon - I've had a decent number of people ask me about them, so I figure I'll just put my thoughts down on e-"paper." Needless to say - I've drunk the Kool-Aid.

Crying Over Spilled Milk

I did not go into motherhood with particularly strong feelings about breastfeeding. When people inevitably asked whether or not I was going to breastfeed our brand new daughter, I usually responded with positive intentions of breastfeeding while acknowledging that I was open to whatever would happen, not knowing if it would work for us or not.

From the beginning, like so many new mothers, we had a few problems with the process, but nothing insurmountable. She took to it pretty well, but she was a lazy eater and would fall asleep constantly. We tried EVERYTHING to keep the child awake - tickling her feet, stripping her naked, and once we even resorted to using ice on her feet to try to bring her back to consciousness - in the end, it was too mean and didn't work so well. The nurses in the hospital suggested we start to supplement with formula, as she was also beginning to show signs of being dehydrated. We went along with it, trying to not give her too much, since we wanted to stay with the breast milk as much as possible. Whether it was her sleepiness or a lackluster amount of milk, the babe started to lose weight. While this is fairly common in the first days of life, she continued to lose weight, and after several appointments with the pediatrician with declining weights, we were told to definitely supplement, as it was clear she was not getting enough from only nursing. All along, we continued to breastfeed, always nursing first and then giving formula to help fill her little tummy.

At a week and a half old, she had her two week check-up, where she had a positive weight gain - success! However, we couldn't return solely to nursing - it was abundantly clear that my supply was low and she was hungry after nursing, even if the session last 45 minutes or more. I started attending a support group where I was able to weigh her before and after nursing her, and I was never able to give her more than 2 1/2 ounces, about half of what she should eat in one session. So we continued on our way, nursing on demand and giving a bottle when she seemed to be hungry afterwards. In the past few weeks, it seemed as if my supply was beginning to grow, even if quite slowly. Things seemed to be going well.

Unfortunately, our time nursing has come to an end. Due to some potential side effects of a new medication, the baby and I had our last experiencing nursing this week. While I knew the supply issues would make a lengthy practice of breastfeeding increasingly impractical, I thought I would at some point make the decision to stop nursing her. And yet the decision was made for me. I'm a little surprised at how upset I am with this. Despite all of the struggles and attempts to increase my supply (Fenugreek - an herbal supplement, Mother's Milk Tea, increasing hydration, power pumping, pumping after nursing, etc.), I loved nursing her. It was such an amazing bonding experience that was special, just for the two of us. I know that breastfeeding is not for everyone, but it was something I grew to love, for more than just the beneficial health reasons.

So now I begins the painful next steps, and I hope they pass quickly. In the meantime, I delight in the smiles, the "conversations" we have, and the wonderful newness of each day.

Two Month Stats

A few weeks late, but here are the babe's stats as of 2 months, 5 days:

Height: 23.5" (20 3/4" at birth)

Weight: 12 lbs., 4 oz. (8 lbs 6 oz. at birth)

Head Circumference: 15.5" (14 1/4" at birth)

As of two months, she was just starting to smile and starting to have greater control of her neck and head. On her two month birthday, we went on a tour of the White House Grounds and Garden. Not too shabby - we're going to have to up the ante next month!

Two Months!

Somehow, M turned two months old this past Saturday. Crazy to even ponder.

Some things I've learned along the way:

My absolutely FAVORITE is the scrunchy stretch she does right when she wakes up

video monitors are a gift from God

breastfeeding can get easier!

a+a have the best blankets

catching one of those fleeting smiles just makes your day

fluffy butts are the best

a poop is definitely a reason to celebrate - especially after four days!

baby farts are hilarious

it takes forever to get out of the house with a baby

all of the books on sleeping babies contradict each other

the White House is the perfect place to celebrate two wonderful months!

Over the River and Through the Woods...

Tomorrow (or, rather, technically today by this point) is our 6 year anniversary, so we took the opportunity to go out for dinner without the kid. We drove up to Baltimore to J's mother's house, got everyone situated (explained the cloth diapers, which she has been a rock star with), and went out to dinner. Of course, it took us forever to get out of the house - haven't quite mastered that one yet - so we ended up giving up our reservation to super fun, newish restaurant, and instead got last minute reservations at good, standby restaurant. Food was great, company was greater, and we got a chance to celebrate our relationship. It was a great evening.

The most fun part was the realization that even though we had an evening 'free,' we are not at the point (at least, not yet?) where we felt like we needed to escape the baby. Or, even, that the evening was made better by having escaped. It was nice to have together, adult time, but our time with the baby is also quite wonderful. It's nice to not feel like we are completely different people, just because she is here. Of course, much has changed, but much has stayed the same.

So, happy anniversary to us - 6 wonderful years of friendship, joy, and much love.