Crying Over Spilled Milk

I did not go into motherhood with particularly strong feelings about breastfeeding. When people inevitably asked whether or not I was going to breastfeed our brand new daughter, I usually responded with positive intentions of breastfeeding while acknowledging that I was open to whatever would happen, not knowing if it would work for us or not.

From the beginning, like so many new mothers, we had a few problems with the process, but nothing insurmountable. She took to it pretty well, but she was a lazy eater and would fall asleep constantly. We tried EVERYTHING to keep the child awake - tickling her feet, stripping her naked, and once we even resorted to using ice on her feet to try to bring her back to consciousness - in the end, it was too mean and didn't work so well. The nurses in the hospital suggested we start to supplement with formula, as she was also beginning to show signs of being dehydrated. We went along with it, trying to not give her too much, since we wanted to stay with the breast milk as much as possible. Whether it was her sleepiness or a lackluster amount of milk, the babe started to lose weight. While this is fairly common in the first days of life, she continued to lose weight, and after several appointments with the pediatrician with declining weights, we were told to definitely supplement, as it was clear she was not getting enough from only nursing. All along, we continued to breastfeed, always nursing first and then giving formula to help fill her little tummy.

At a week and a half old, she had her two week check-up, where she had a positive weight gain - success! However, we couldn't return solely to nursing - it was abundantly clear that my supply was low and she was hungry after nursing, even if the session last 45 minutes or more. I started attending a support group where I was able to weigh her before and after nursing her, and I was never able to give her more than 2 1/2 ounces, about half of what she should eat in one session. So we continued on our way, nursing on demand and giving a bottle when she seemed to be hungry afterwards. In the past few weeks, it seemed as if my supply was beginning to grow, even if quite slowly. Things seemed to be going well.

Unfortunately, our time nursing has come to an end. Due to some potential side effects of a new medication, the baby and I had our last experiencing nursing this week. While I knew the supply issues would make a lengthy practice of breastfeeding increasingly impractical, I thought I would at some point make the decision to stop nursing her. And yet the decision was made for me. I'm a little surprised at how upset I am with this. Despite all of the struggles and attempts to increase my supply (Fenugreek - an herbal supplement, Mother's Milk Tea, increasing hydration, power pumping, pumping after nursing, etc.), I loved nursing her. It was such an amazing bonding experience that was special, just for the two of us. I know that breastfeeding is not for everyone, but it was something I grew to love, for more than just the beneficial health reasons.

So now I begins the painful next steps, and I hope they pass quickly. In the meantime, I delight in the smiles, the "conversations" we have, and the wonderful newness of each day.